I have a story to tell you about faith. The truth about faith. It begins in Costa Rica in a community called Pachamama.
I spent about a month in a little wooden casita in the rainforest with my beloved, Julian. The weather was very unusual, raining heavily during the dry season. This proved to be the beginning of the onslaught of challenges I was about to endure.
I have had eczema since I was a child, and it got better as I got older - almost never occurring. However, the last several months I started noticing it was coming up a lot more. Eczema can be aggravated by many things, diet, climate change, stress, etc. And many of you probably would agree, 2016 was a challenging and extreme year. My body was feeling the intensity. Fast-forward to mid-November. My whole body was covered in eczema. Itchy, inflamed, swollen, ultra-sensitive patches all over my body. I was in so much discomfort - I was in a lot of pain.
On the left is the beginning of November. On the Right is the beginning of December, as you can see it’s even on my face - but I found a way to smile-ish!
You might be thinking, “what does this have to do with faith?” Well, let me tell you that I truly believe the universe is with me each step of my way to all-good-things. Even when my friend passed away this year, even when I unexpectedly fell in love with Julian and had to break up with my boyfriend of 3 years, even when it seemed like I would not find a place for me and my dog to live - I was faithful in the good and the outcome proved supportive of this belief. No questions asked, this flame was unwavering by my very will and experiences.
However, as the eczema situation got worse… as I struggled each evening to sleep because of various conditions like: the moldy mosquito net, or the A/C becoming humid, or the feeling of the polyester sheets against my skin. My will began to slip as I mindlessly scratched at my body till it ripped, bled and bruised.
Here is a cute photo of a red panda scratching itself to represent myself. As a photo depicting the kind of scratching I was doing would not be pleasant to see.
Finally, in the wee hours of one of the worst nights, my optimistic and positive faith flickered and went out. I sat there rocking myself in tears, as I felt every inch of my body cry with me. I sat there in fear that I was not going to get better in months, that because I had no will power in stopping myself that I was going to scar my entire body. That my hands would permanently age as the skin struggled to recover its elasticity, as some of it already had. I was so uncomfortable, I could barely be touched by my lover. We could not even sleep in the same bed. I would just well up in tears as he’d touch me (in brief moments) and tell me I am beautiful and look beautiful always, though I felt far from it.
This roller coaster went up and down, I felt like I was taking two steps forward and one step back. Each day, a painful crawl to the top of the mountain. Only to fall back down in the evening. I hadn’t felt that low in a long time, all efforts seemed futile for a 100% recovery while I was here in Costa Rica for a total of 4 months.
The last time I felt this much physical discomfort and pain was when I went through a painful abortion. And the flashbacks of rocking myself in tears, and humming to tone the pain away was elevating the anxiety in my body and mind. There was one small and faint voice in my heart that reminded me that I got through that… I can get through this…
A painful physical experience can suck the faith right out of the ethers and test you - can teach you - in the most tangible of ways. How deep does your faith run?
My beloved, Julian got me out on Christmas eve to the beach. It was my first time there the month I was here! And as you can see, my skin is better and I can be closer to my love.
Today, I sit here writing this experience to share with you. I am healed and getting stronger each day. And I can say my faith runs more than skin deep. I communed with an Ascended Master in meditation, Mahachohan Ragoczy, to review my lesson in this journey, in this story. This is what I learned:
Faith guides our daily perspective on life and is to be put to use. However, faith is not useful and most powerful when things are going well, it’s when things are not. When things do not go your way, and they are out of your control. When life is bigger than your ability to determine its outcome and you are swept into the cosmic current for a greater alignment of events - that is when faith is useful.
In bad faith, we rise.
Faith is like a muscle that you develop and strengthen over time, and through different experiences. Some experiences are easier than others, and faith flows freely. I tend to have great faith in emotional challenges even when my heart hurts.
BUT, my faith is less developed in events where my body is the main experiencer. When you’re going through a painful experience that is new and foreign, it can be a painful lesson of faith. It will be very challenging and it will require much more effort… more effort to let go and trust.
If your faith is weakened because you’ve been swept down the river, sometimes all you can truly do is stay afloat - or if you’re capable, swim with the current. Either way it’s a trust that you will make it to shore.
The letting go of control to go with the flow is how you can truly learn if the universe has got your back, whether or not your faith is weak or strong, that is the truth.