Sometimes I get very sad. When my body is dry from the crying. My face hollow and empty. Nothing left to give.
The confusion that arises with this expression can be painful. The varying degrees of pain are experienced on all realms. My body, mind, heart, and spirit. At least it feels so.
I must write, I must write to give space for this sadness to take shape and form. For it to become clearer to me as to why I am in this moment.
What is there to be revealed? What am I experiencing? Why must I know? I always want to know… Because when I know, I feel like I have control of myself in my life. And is it not true?
“Ah this is because of __. Therefore, I can do __ to change and improve it.”
Are we not responsible for our reality?
I am writing in deep sadness now. And in deep confusion. Because, I’ve come to the initial awareness of how often I want to conclude what I am experiencing. I want to bypass the process, I want to use my hyper-awareness to accelerate the process. I want to keep moving to “the next.”
In this awareness the blessing and curse of a paradoxical world covers me like a blanket, and asks me, “Where do you think you’re going?”
“Be. Here. Now.”
For the mind, it’s so much easier to be something than to be nothing.
And, being nothing doesn’t mean I am not something.
As soon as there is a nothing, there is a something.
I know. It’s crazy. So for the last two months or so, this is the paradox in which I am being. Here. Now.
How does this place fit into the world before me and at large? I have yet to find my answer.
What I do know is that when I am something, I can bring action to express and represent it. I can create tangible things in the world before me - and in this ability, I feel valued.
How much of who I think I am must decompose to reveal who I am? There’s so much thought forming around me. I’ve given too much responsibility to my mental intelligence in this process of wanting to feel valued.
Remembering my sadness in the past, it was in times of pain and suffering that I hear my heart the loudest. It can take on so much; so patient with me. When I am sad, there is no more auto-trained light to shine on the bright side. The power of sadness resides in the darkness.
In the dark I hear the cold, still whisper of truth. Every time, I am grateful for this, for this voice is most truthful, authentic and raw - and from there I rise from the depths of the waters into the light. And there I float again.
So, what is the truth now?
The truth is, I have no idea where I am going. The truth is, I know what I want at the end of this going, and I struggle to create the momentum before me. I am sad because I have a hard time letting go of how I want it to unfold. Where is the balance of action/inaction in my power as creator?
Lately, I am feeling separated from Spirit, and often. That I cannot trust fully that I will be guided. And so, I feel alone.
In light of all this, back to the paradox: I know that this is not true.
So what, the fuck?
For my current sanity’s sake, I believe that what I am moving through is teaching me this trust on a whole different level that I cannot fathom how. Because no matter what I think, I am not separate from spirit, and in the deepest recesses of my heart, I know that I am always returning back to source.
I just feel the pangs of every human’s fear towards this truth on a very visceral level and it is overwhelming to be, here, now. I do my best to honour my gift of feeling all and my power of expressing it.
I have most definitely been through (relative to my own experiences) “worse,” in terms of pain and sadness (to points of depression). This is just the biggest mind-fuck I’ve ever experienced at this point of my journey. The deconstruction of beliefs can be a painful and gruelling process at times when not aided by any plant medicine journeys, yet I do not feel fully called to ask for their help just yet.
I want to be part of this experience in the most human form possible, for most of my life I have been trying to escape and bypass this. Can I trust in the process? The pain and pleasure of the journey onwards? I want to, I invite myself to, I am grateful to be able to.
And so, I share these uncharted waters with you so you too may allow yourself to be nothing and wade in this uncertainty and confusion for a while. Be lost, so that you may hear yourself clearly to where you’d like to arrive.
I may be lost at sea, but I know where I will end up.
At the shores of paradise.